Nothing more shocking to the system than to be awoken from a deep slumber than by a team of crazed canines and a courier banging on your back door at 7:00a.m. No, it wasn’t the usual rounds man who would have signed the docket on my behalf and left said item on the step, oh no, not this one!  At least he had the sense to read the large font laminated sign I had placed on my door step requesting a redirection to 99a, I fall out of bed, reach out and I grasp with one hand, a towel, I attempt to cover my once sized 28″ waist with it, and doing the bad daddy voice to try to shut these animals up, now, trying to contort a signature through two inches between door and frame and holding back one of the gnashing Moray Eel’s who was ready to devour his arm or his leg, is no easy task, however, I manage to complete the paperwork rather clumsily, and finally, in exchange, a party size box was handed over, and there in print was the giveaway statement ….

I looked up at him, he was waiting for my response, his eyes met mine, and I could hear his thoughts … with a rather quiet “thank-you” I closed the door in embarrassment, once shielded and safe behind the curtained portal I shrieked out loudly … YIPPEE !

So, today’s blog is about an incident that happened a good few years ago, once you have read this, hopefully you will see the funny side and I too hope, that history will not repeat itself.

Easter weekend was always designated a factory closure for four days, and extensive maintenance was carried out, a decision had been made to refurbish one of the largest double glazing process plants that was on site. It took months of preparation, and obtaining replacement parts from Germany & Austria proved a nightmare. A precondition from the manufacturers was that if ‘they’ didn’t do the service, one of our engineers had to be competent at their level, so, I drew the short straw and was jetted off to the manufacturing plant in Linz, their company jet no less, the training was intense almost to the point of my head exploding, after eight days I arrived back in the United Kingdom carrying my “International Certificate of Competence”. The smile I wore was far greater than the mad Cheshire cat in Alice in wonderland, during the next few years that particular “piece of paper” became a license to print a phenomenal amount of money.

Enter the close knit engineering team of four, AKA “The Golden Girls” , a nic’ we had earned due to similar traits that the four retired ladies in Miami held, we, that is, Rose, Dorothy, Sophia and myself, being the slut I was, even then, bore the title of Blanche, so, with a tight schedule this planned procedure became a major operation, we took this *item* apart, refurbished it and reassembled, we hardly stopped over the following four day period, taking two to four hour breaks, eating on duty  and sleeping under our work benches, we were caked in grease, graphite, hydraulic fluid and sweat, God did we hum. In the early hours of the Tuesday morning we fired up the beast, and with only a few  minor adjustments and a final levelling the task was signed off.  By 9:00am a full team shift were in operation and pushing this monster to its limits. Our job was now complete, handing over full control we left site and headed off to our own abodes. Much scrubbing with Swarfega and many ounces of sensitive soap and shampoo I became clean, by this time it was late afternoon, and absolutely knackered, just the week previous I had purchased a Cucumber (do it yourself) cleansing face mask, so, I gave it a go, the suggested time of application was 30 to 45 minutes, however, I fell asleep ….

….. Totally annihilated, I awaken, wondering where on earth I was, I finally compose myself, then realising there is no electricity supplying the flat and all my credit had been exhausted, I dress quickly and shove my bare feet into my slippers I grab the credit key, run down the stairs and out the door and dash the one hundred metres into the town centre. I thought this was to be a normal day off, but, I soon started to receive some strange looks, in the shop where I exchanged cash to put units into the thin blue key, I was asked if I was ok, “I’m good thanks” I replied, smiling, such a happy bunch of staff I thought to myself as I made exit, and whilst paying for two pints of milk in the local Co-op, I was asked the same question again, this time, they were laughing … yes, they were definitely laughing at me.

……. entering into my flat I happened to stare into the mirror, it all made sense, I now understood why, the Grinch had walked into the village with his green poultice obscenely smeared over his neck and face.

Now back to the present day,  I often see one of the shop assistants in town, and today, she was in the coffee shop, I still shudder thinking about it, fortunately she didn’t appear to be choking on her “double shot, low fat, no foam latte”[1], goodness knows how she managed not to.  As Kelly Clarkson sings “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

So, this afternoon, I opened the party box and treated myself to a wonderful warm bath,  and attempted to recreate a scene from “Carry on Cleo”, sadly not in asses milk, but instead with a little gentle help from the beautiful Miss Cindy Crawford and her potions. Now there’s nothing wrong with a little pampering and giving oneself some skin therapy, it works for me and seems to keep me younger looking and not quite so jaded, it’s such a pity that more men don’t take care of them selves, hanging on by a thread at almost sixty, justifiably, I’m very proud of my skin, and it’s condition. I also find that many ladies cosmetics suit me too … there, so I said it, and if you don’t like it,     …. …. “bite me”[2]

Remember, no matter where you are or if you are leaving the house, always check your looks in the mirror, and if you like what you see, smile and give yourself a wink.

[1] Niles in Cafe Nervosa, Frasier                                                                                                             [2] Alan quotes to Charlie on numerous occasions, (2&Half Men)